What Goes On Inside Me
by DarkRoseShadow
Summary: She was faced with the ghosts of her past, and she did what she knew to cope up with the situations... shoot her walls back up. But this time, it was him by her side... and while her walls kept the pain away, it was also starting to push away the one who stayed by her side. A CaptainSwan Two Shot.


_**This started of as a random thought, but then turned out into something else altogether. **_

_**Also dedicated to eightOfHearts whose birthday passed recently. A belated birthday present. Hope you like it.**_

_**My first attempt over writing on CaptainSwan. Hope you guys like it. **_

_**Probably a two-shot. Do leave your valuable feedback. :)**_

* * *

_If I had one single wish_  
_ I'd go back to the moment I kissed_  
_ You goodbye no matter how hard I tried_  
_ But I can't live without you in my life_

_Maybe you'll say you still want me_  
_ Maybe you'll say that you don't_  
_ Maybe we said it was over_  
_ Baby I can't let you go_

_-Maybe, Enrique Iglesias_

* * *

_If it can be broken, that means it still works._

He had said this to her once, when they were looking out for the malevolent witch and seeking out the residents. It wasn't a grand gesture of love but a subtle hint that there was still hope for her… hope in this world where she felt alone because of continuous abandonments. But in hindsight, it was him conveying to her that he would be there, now that she was back in town… in her reality… regardless of the fact that it was otherwise thought to be imaginary in the realm.

_But he knew his Swan._

He knew, that while she could face abandonments, one after the other, she could not handle the possibility that he was never going to leave her… that he would be there for her against all odds… standing by her side… looking over her like the North Star. So he had laced it with him trying to appease her that good comes out of everything. It was more a 'Charming' like theory but nonetheless true in all sense… not quite adept for his moniker… but yes true. Guess being on the hero's side did rub off on him.

Because really, who could have thought that Captain Hook could turn into a darn optimistic?

Gathering himself he stood up, and made way to the attic storing his things of his pirate days. He had his eyes out for his flask. Over the time, living with Emma and Henry, he had stopped seeking his rum – a change that startled him but it was a good change. He had started sharing their taste in the choice of beverage – hot chocolate with cinnamon. On the days he hung out with David, they hit the Rabbit Hole, where his mate got him acquainted with various options available in drinks in the realm. He didn't like it as much as his rum, but the companionship made up for it. He was happy.

_But not tonight_.

Tonight, all he wanted was to wallow in his sadness, with his only companion – his rum. At least the rum didn't leave him when he felt his hopes soaring up. And certainly it never left him when he hit his rock bottom. It was there for him, at every step of his life – good and bad alike.

What had he been thinking? Giving up everything like that? He was nothing more than a pirate. He didn't deserve a happy ending. He deserved nothing.

Years of seeking revenge had hardened him in more ways he could imagine. Bearing battle scars, emotional pains and the undying thirst to skin the crocodile, his heart had hardened in the process. Hard to suffer any blow… not to come crumbling down in response to anything… or anyone. He knew just one thing – his revenge.

And then came the beanstalk… _Swan_.

Climbing the beanstalk didn't only familiarize him with the fact that Emma was an open book to him, and that she might mean more to him than a challenge.

But also the fact that his heart could beat… that there was still hope amongst the entire blackness.

And importantly… that it could be broken.

When she left him chained there, he wouldn't admit, but along with disappointment, there was a knot in his heart too. And so long when he had trusted someone, taken a leap of faith, it all blew over his face.

His hope died. And somewhere his heart died again, when it had just began to wake up.

He didn't realize at that time the frequency of heartbreaks he was willing to accept… and that too with a smile.

Love did curious things to people. And he was one of them. He accepted all the trampling that occurred to his heart and that too with a smile

_Because it was Emma… who caused them and who was the prize._

But it was worth it… every single moment. Breaking through her walls, making her believe, falling in love with her, discovering this realm with her… it was everything for him. He thought that finally her walls were down, that finally she was at the same place as him when their relation was considered. He was in _love_ with her… which had intensified over time, and he thought that she was too. He could swear over the seven seas, that he felt it… that his Swan… his gorgeous lass… his Emma loved him. But seems like the fate had a cruel way of testing him – he was ready to pop the question, and that is when everything goes spiraling down.

Could things go any worse?

He took a large swig of rum letting it burn his senses.

If only he could numb the pain down.

If only he could stop thinking about her for a second.

_If only…_

And that was the last thought as the wariness of the day finally hit him.

* * *

"Killian I need to go to New York to pick some things up. Wanna join me?"

She had asked that morning. It was Regina's week with Henry, and while he was away, Emma had taken upon herself, to renovate their new house. She loved Storybrooke but there were some things in New York, she absolutely missed like crazy.

"Lass, if you wanted to have me alone, you need only ask. No need to make excuses. I am more than willing to allow you to ravish me."

She rolled her eyes in response, but couldn't stop the smile forming over her lips. Gathering her in his arms, he whispered.

"So how about this captain? We set aboard in your mighty vessel and then come back to witness you holding your promise?"

"I don't recall promising anything…"

"Its bad form, Swan, to keep your crew… _unsatisfied_."

He bit her pulse point, trying to coax her into the arrangement and it did wonders. Soon enough they were settled in Bug, on their way to the city, smiling all the way.

But little did he knew that would be the last smile, he would be sharing with her in the coming days.

* * *

He woke up with a splitting headache in the morning, but he could care less. On a reflex, his eyes searched for her, but returned empty.

_She still hadn't returned._

He sighed, and got up to get ready for the day. He couldn't afford a lapse, for Henry's sake. The lad was going be home any minute to keep him company and he didn't want him to witness, how broken he was.

She had left, just like that, the day after they had returned from New York. She had told her parents and Henry, that she needed to work and they had agreed, reluctantly though. As for him, he wasn't granted the same privilege.

But somehow it hadn't hurt him that much, like it should have.

Maybe, underneath of all hope, he had accepted the fact that it was too good to be true, and it would crumbling down in an instant he wished for more.

So coming in terms with the hurt was easier. But it didn't mean coping with it was the same story.

The bell rang, and he went to receive the lad. No matter what was going on with him, he just couldn't disappoint the lad and weigh his shoulders with his own grieving. So he opened with a smile, and soon enough, they were on couch, playing games and for a long time, he didn't have to think about anything else.

* * *

The night came, and so his sorrows. He had removed his prosthetic, letting the stump exposed. Drinking his rum, he stared over his stump, and the scars near it.

Maybe, she finally saw how incapable he really was.

_A one-handed handed pirate with a drinking problem_. That's what Pan had called him and he just couldn't help but agree with him. It was an apt description for what he was, and no matter how much he denied it, but that was the truth. And he was pretty much sure, Emma saw it. After all, he didn't deserve someone as beautiful as her.

It was Neverland all over again. But this time, he knew what it was to be with Swan and he didn't think that he could possibly get over that.

So he drank… trying to drag himself to oblivion, the box burning holes in his pocket and reminding him of his failure.

He remembered faintly hearing a broken voice that sounded a lot like Emma, as he was through with _third… fourth _round.

"_Killian… Hook…_"

"Finally decided to pay the old pirate a visit love? To revel in breaking down the famo… the infamous Captain Hook?"

He knew he would regret it in the morning, but couldn't bring himself to care. Trying to get up to tell her how she was successful in besting him yet again, he was met with dizziness, as rum showed its effect completely.

"_I am sorry… Killian_"

She said, but he knew it was his mind playing games as he finally passed out.

* * *

_**Thoughts.**_


End file.
